The Onion v All Comers

God Outdoes Terrorists Yet Again. Key caption: FEMA representatives call out to survivors, "Show us your tits for emergency rations!" Key headline: Louisiana National Guard Offers Help By Phone From Iraq. No, wait! Key headline: Government Relief Workers Mosey In To Help. No, wait! Key headline: Bush Urges Victims To Gnaw On Bootstraps For Sustenance.

Key passage from Louisiana National Guard Offers Help By Phone:

"The soldiers wanted to know if they could call 911 for anyone, or perhaps send some water via FedEx," said Louisiana National Guard spokesman Lt. Col. Pete Schneider. The Guardsmen also "would love to send generators, rations, and Black Hawk helicopters for rescue missions," but, said Schneider, "we desperately need these in Iraq to stay alive."

Oy!