Sunday, March 12, 2006

How to Spot a Christian (Type H)

There are may varieties of Christian and subclassing the species can be a challenging and complex task. Christians that adhere to teachings of Jesus are rare and those that strive to understand why they might want to follow those teachings are rarer still. The Type H is one of the most prominent Christian varieties. It is easily distinguished from the rarer varieties, in that it has little to do with the teachings of Jesus, and even less interest, although it likes to proclaim that it does. The Type H is distinguished by:

  • A preference that tax money go to kill foreigners rather than help poor people

  • A belief that poverty is simply a character flaw and has nothing to do with them

  • Rigid application of the death penalty is a good thing and probably should get expanded in scope

  • Takes selected passages from the Old Testament out of context as its moral compass


Typically, the Type H is docile enough, but can be dangerous when provoked. If you're a young black man, you'll probably automatically provoke the Type H, unless you're a famous professional athlete with a reputation for being nice. Stick to the weather or sports, and you should be fine. There is nothing to be gained by engaging the Type H in anything weightier.

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