What's one more clown in the car? I'm running for president!

What's one more clown in the car? Apparently there is no limit.

Photo: Levi Saunders

The least surprising thing that's happened recently is that Pappa Joe Biden has thrown his hat into the ring. Or, perhaps better, put on his clown hat and climbed into the car with the rest of the Democratic circus clowns. Will Rogers, who once said "I'm not a member of any organized political party… I'm a Democrat!", would recognize the party of today as a parody of its chaotic self back in his day. My Old Whiggish self is not a Democrat (though I may register as one to vote for myself in Florida primary), but not being a Dem doesn't mean you can't run for the top of the Democratic ticket. Cf. Bernie Sanders, who according to people with skin in the game are putting more money on Sanders than Paw-Paw Joe (though admittedly not by much). But Bernie is a honeymoon-in-Russia "democratic" socialist and registered independent and most definitely not a big D Democrat a la Barack Obama or Hillary Rodham Clinton or Paw-Paw Joe. But this is not about them — this is about me running for POTUS.

Platform and promises

Like any good Democratic candidate, I have to have a platform. Now, if this were a run against serious people, I would pretty much crib Jim Webb's 2016 platform and be done with it. But with Bernie in the race, everybody has to do the cray-cray in the primaries, because the HuffPo addicts and Maddow acolytes need to be appeased in the primaries before issuing the Nelson "Ha-ha!" and running to the center in the general election. No, in the primaries, you have to make up crazy improbable shit and run with it like you mean it. Ok. Let's go!

Brown New Deal

We've all heard about the flatulent cow eliminating Green New Deal that pretty much everyone has signed on for, though no one can actually say what it really means. If I just do what everyone else is doing, there can't be any differentiation. This is where the Brown New Deal comes in. The BND is not fully formed (cf GND), but it generally centers around being rewarded for knowledge and karaoke proficiency focused on Ween. If elected, any citizen may petition to be interviewed and if they can sing any Ween song accurately and reasonably close to in tune (as determined by me, the President of the United States), they can have a keg party that runs from noon to 8PM or so on the White House lawn for them and fifty guests. Dean and Gene Ween can have access to the Lincoln bedroom in exchange for concerts performed on the Mall.

Fight for Fifty!

I really don't get the Fight for Fifteen. It shows a distinct lack of ambition and imagination. Why fifteen? Why not fifty? Work 2000 hours and that's One… Hundred… Thousand dollars! If 100k$ isn't a living wage, then we have some serious inflationary issues. Thanks, John Maynard Keynes!

Criminal Justice Reform

Think about it. Why is every single person in a prison or jail in there? Because there is a prison or jail to put them in. No prisons, no prisoners. It's as simple as that. Eliminate the carceral state by eliminating law enforcement. Easy peasy. No need to worry about lost jobs because Fight for Fifty.

Foreign Policy

In normal wonk mode I would be working hard to get Tulsi Gabbard to be my SecDef (didn't see that coming, did you! The Jim Webb reference was a clue, btw.), but we're loading up into the frickin' clown car, so I need to do something to differentiate myself from the rest of the pack in FP. You would think that people running for POTUS would have some notion about the role of the POTUS, but, as reflected in my domestic policy prescriptions, some of the things I've prescribed are actually the purview of Congress (Article 1) and not the POTUS (Article 2). I can't go aloha y aloha with Tulsi, so my foreign policy will be to threaten countries with nuclear hellfire if they don't on their own dime host free Ween concerts. How awesome is that?

Mandatory self-evaluation and identification

One of the biggest problems we have is that children are oppressed by "evaluation" by tests and measures that suffer from any number of systemic intersectional issues that are injected by the phallocracy against the will of God, Ween, and Satan. If you cross God, Ween, and Satan, then you get on my platform. Combined with my Fight for Fifty, which means no teacher can't bring home at least 100k$, allowing children to assign their own grades unshackles the chains of patriarchy from the wrists and ankles of the age disadvantaged.

College degree birth bonds

If college degrees are so important, why don't we just issue them to children at birth? Leave the particular major blank and let them fill it in when they come of the age and gender of their choosing. I really don't understand why any of this is hard.

Account-free ATMs and credit cards

Even though Fight for Fifty pretty much guarantees anyone 100k$ per year, that still might not be enough. If elected POTUS, I will issue credit cards that are not tied to any account. You just use them and they work. Similarly, for people who like to use cash, we will have ATMs that will issue cash on demand in any amount. This way, everyone will have however much money they need.

Appointments

The POTUS is just one person, even if they are non-binary and prefer they as a pronoun. At least, one physical body. Other physical bodies are required to run a government, so when you vote for the POTUS, you are voting for the appointments as well. I will share.

Kim Kardashian: Minister of Social Justice

This was so teed up for Donald Trump, but what do you expect? I know that my platform pretty much looks like it deals with most Social Justice issues, but, bruh, phallocracy. Kim will have our collective backs.

Dennis Rodman: Ambassador to North Korea

Nuclear hellfire should be reserved for making opportunities for free Ween concerts, not whatever in Sam Hill we're getting in pissing matches with people who live on 800 kCal per day. The Worm will let us contemplate Doctor Rock.

Doctor Rock. You're welcome!

Rambozo the Clown: Destroyer of Worlds

Since people despise Tulsi's aloha, I am compelled to believe that continuation of Bush, Obama, and Clinton policies is what everybody really wants. OK. Let's kill 'em all and let God sort them out. W00t!

Jason Momoa: Aquaman

Nuff said!