Jeff Gordon Caught Reading, Further Enrages NASCAR Nation

This is another installment of Note from a Neighbor. Neighbor Jonathan Abner Tobias Pissoff, XIV, great-great-great-great-great grandson of the J A T Pissoff made famous by Ed Sanders' The Illiad on The Big Ball found out that I had a blog, and requested that I "tell the cheese eating liberal Frenchies on the dubya dubya dubya about the latest Jeff Gordon outrage!" Johnny once picked up a cheeseburger wrapper that he dropped in front of my house, so I figured I owed him one. What follows is my best recollection of what he told me, but told in the first person. Easier for me to remember that way.

My friend Mortise Farthingsworth -- you may have heard of him, as he's the Major General, CSA Third Army out of Kennesaw and president and CEO of Southern Tactical Correctional Solutions, LLC. Mortise is up in New York City at that security contractors convention. He was on his way to meet some South African clients when he saw Jeff Gordon in a Starbucks. That's right -- number 24 Jeff Gordon, the sumbitch. He was reading, I think I got this right, the New York Review of Books. Did you know that Gordon lives in Manhattan? He does. Mortise said he was wearin' black sweater and was sippin' on a chai latte, whatever that is, reading. Reading the New York Review of Books. I mean, what is the New York Review of Books? I bet he had a beret on too. (Note: I suggested to Johnny with a wink that I'd bet it wasn't a green beret, to which he responded "You're goddamn right it wasn't! Pardon my blasphemy.") You want a book to review? Review the bible!

I don't know what sort of cheatin' Gordon engaged in, but there is no way that 24 beat my man Little E and that cheatin' bastard Tony Stewart in a fair fight at Daytona, where, God rest his soul, The Intimidator met his eternal reward. So, that transplant Yankee takes the Daytona trophy to Hillary Clinton's town? Bill Clinton's town? What if Bill Clinton, or, Hillary actually touch it? What if he takes the trophy to Clinton's office in Harlem? Jesus help us. What if he fornicates on it, or, ugh, in it? Dale woulda kicked his ass for even thinkin' about it. Gordon's too. Both of them at the same time.

NASCAR needs to ban that book readin' chai latte sippin' Yankee Jeff Gordon from racin' and declare 24 the number of the beast.

You know Gordon is gay. What do you think all of that Rainbow Warrior stuff is about?